remember

It's so easy to let our emotions get the best of us, isn't it? I mean sometimes I'm just walking along and out of nowhere (okay not exactly out of nowhere, but relatively unexpectedly), I am overcome with anxiety. My emotions just take off like a spaceship and suddenly I am soaring into another dimension. I know some of you are reading this and thinking that I must have some type of anxiety disorder or something and maybe you're right. Or maybe of we're honest, this happens to us sometimes. I just forget that my emotions can be deceiving and sometimes they tell me that everything is going to go wrong and nothing will turn out right and I believe them. Actually now that I think about it they might be right, but just coming from the wrong emotional state. Let me explain.
If my emotions tell me nothing is going to turn out the way I think it should (note: remind me to tell you later about the word "should"), they might be right, but is that a bad thing? Or is it just what it is? Maybe what I think is the right way or the best thing really isn't. Maybe there's actually someone orchestrating this whole deal and maybe (just maybe) it's not actually about me. Whoa. Revolutionary, I know. So when my emotions get the best of me, what do I need? Truth. I need truth. I need to know the promises of God so that in anxiety-ridden turmoil, I can remember what I already know - that I am loved, that God cares about me, that I have been redeemed, that this life is not the end of the story. And you know what emotion comes out of those truths? Yep. Gratitude. A great and overpowering sense of awe at the fact that I deserve nothing and yet have been given so much. A sense that, even when I am melting down because I don't trust the One who is in control, He is for me and my heart swells with thanksgiving. A long time ago I was given a daily devotional called "My Utmost for His Highest" (written by Oswald Chambers). I was told that this book would change my life and honestly, I read a few days, but wasn't really super into it. Every once in awhile I will pick it back up and read a day or two, but for the most part it sits on my dresser with a few other books holding up a vase and serves a merely aesthetic purpose. For some reason I spotted it today while I was putting on my makeup and decided to read today's devotional. Here's the first sentence:

We should battle through our moods, feelings, and emotions into absolute devotion to the Lord Jesus.

Insert the gritting teeth emoticon at the end of that sentence. Oh dear. After the meltdown that I had yesterday and the gentle reminder that I received last night that my emotions are not always telling me the truth, I read that sentence and knew that the fact that I spotted the book today was a gentle calling from my God to remember Him in truth and in love and in gratitude. Ann Voskamp would call this eucharisteo - to remember and give thanks. And isn't that the point? It is definitely my hope for my 21 Days of Thanksgiving.

to remember and give thanks

...and be thankful...

A few days ago, I began here to explore the importance of giving thanks. It hasn't been but a few days of writing and thinking through thankfulness and so far it has remained on the complete forefront of my mind. That day I started this topic/series, I just felt like I needed to remind myself to remember (yes I see the ridiculousness in that statement) the goodness of God. So I began writing about it. Since I set somewhat of a goal to write consistently about this, it has forced the topic to the front of my mind and I'm so glad. Looking and finding gifts everywhere has been a source of pure joy for the last few days. Not that every moment has been flawless, but I just keep realizing that I have much to be thankful for. And wouldn't you know that in pure God fashion, today Matt closed the service at The Village Church by reminding us of the importance of thanking God for His goodness toward us. He preached from Colossians 3 and the whole podcast would be worth listening to, but the end was especially impactful, as I have been practicing thankfulness. Colossians 3:15-17 says:

15 And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. 16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. 17 And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

And be thankful.
And BE THANKFUL. Matt encouraged us to stop comparing our lives with others and to quit cataloguing all of the things we don't have, but instead start focusing on all we have been given. Multiple times, he said to become an expert on how good God has been to you. (You can't access the whole podcast yet since it was just preached today, but later this week, you'll be able to listen here - it's Week 11 of a twelve week series called "Recovering Redemption" and I would definitely recommend the whole series).

Let us remember to give thanks to a good God, who in love, gives abundantly to us and 

may the Lord help us grow in gratitude.

Twenty-one Days of Thanksgiving

Starting today there are 21 days until Thanksgiving! TWENTY ONE DAYS?! That just doesn't seem possible. Maybe it's because September and October have sort of turned into a blur. As I was sitting at my house last Sunday afternoon by myself watching Meet Me In St. Louis, which happens to be one of my favorites, I was filled with gratitude toward a month that celebrates Thanksgiving. I couldn't express how important giving thanks is and I am glad about that. I want to be a person who looks for gifts and finds a something to be thankful for around every turn. There is much to be thankful for and if I spent the rest of my life naming things, I don't think I could get them all. Some days it is easy to forget to look for things to be thankful for. We are creatures of habit and somehow it is so easy to adopt an attitude of bitterness or discontent, but I read a book one time (that I have referenced before here) about giving thanks and the life-changing impact it had on this author. I keep coming back to it in my life and I think she might be on to something. I have gone back and re-read my blogs from September and October and although there were good times and moments in those rapid months, there was also a lot of unrest and discontentment. Well today I am declaring war on that tendency in me to be frustrated and unsettled and the only way I know how to do that is to continue to give thanks, even for the little things and even in tough situations.

The most important part of thanksgiving is that it gives the credit somewhere else. So it stops being about how great I am or how incredible is this life, that I mistakenly believe, I have created for myself. No. Thanksgiving says "How great You are. And how incredible this life You have given to me." Thanksgiving recognizes the gift and the giver and we need to practice it. Because this life is not a story about me. And the more I can pound that into my ridiculously stubborn and selfish brain, the better off I'll be.

I am going to attempt something pretty bold. I read a blog yesterday by a pretty incredible woman named Ashley. Throughout the month of October, she blogged about peace. Some of the blogs were pretty heartfelt and others were just a quick snapshot. Using her as inspiration, I plan to spend the next 21 days blogging about thankfulness - what I'm learning about it, how simple or complex it can be, how my heart feels, how gratitude can affect even the smallest of moments, and how difficult it all is. I don't expect it to be easy, but I do think it will be good. So, come along with me on a journey to developing a thankful heart. I can't think of many better way to invest my time.

Photo Credit

the longest month of my life

I was thinking yesterday that this has got to be the longest month ever! October seems to be neverending, which normally would be okay with me. I love fall weather and pumpkin everything. But for some reason this year I am having a hard time getting into the fall spirit. Maybe it's because the pumpkin spice latte came out in August this year (curse you, Starbucks!) :( :( :( okay I take it back. I know better than that. Never, ever curse Starbucks... But seriously something weird is happening this October and it seems to be the month that goes on and on and on and on and on and on... Today I woke up and much to my despair realized there is still A WHOLE NOTHER week left in this blessed month. I started out being super frustrated with this discovery, but realize there's nothing I can do about it so the only other option was to figure out a way to enjoy it. And I want to really enjoy it because I know myself and about the time it's over, I am going to be wishing for October again. Oh my restless heart. 

So since I want to really live it up this October, I am making an "end of October bucket list" You may recall my recent victories with short term goals. Well, this will be similar to short term goal setting, but better :) I am so excited to present to you my last week bucket list. 

Katie's Plan to Celebrate October

1. Make fun Halloween Treats

2. Drink a pumpkin spice latte in a "for here" mug

3. Go to the Arboretum

4. Make butternut squash soup

5. Be outside for a consecutive 15 minutes (at least) everyday

6. Watch You've Got Mail (most likely with Keila)

7. Carve a pumpkin

8. Watch Football
9. Write 2 blog posts

10. Enjoy pre-daylight savings time with a glass of wine on a patio.
11. Spend some time in the children's book section of Barnes and Noble.

So next week, I will update you on my progress with this list as I celebrate the last week of this ridiculously long month. Don't forget to celebrate the end of October this year! Chances are, you will be a completely new person by the time it comes around again :)



weekend of labor

This weekend (specifically yesterday) I had to make a pretty big decision. For those of you who know me, you probably gritted your teeth at that thought. I struggle with decisions - well I guess I should say I struggle with some decisions. Sometimes I can answer immediately - for example, yes, I will always want mustard on my hotdog and no I do not want to dive with sharks or swim across the Atlantic - easy. decision made. However, this was one of those life changing, feels like I am paralyzed, how am I ever supposed to know what I am supposed to do, what is the meaning of life type of decisions and so, I panicked. Completely and utterly and ugly cried for about two hours as my precious family tried to console me.

Fact: no one can make this decision except for you. oh greeeeaaaaaattttttt.

Fact: either way you are going to be okay. ya right. this one is definitely going to kill me.

Fact: God will never leave you or forsake you. I am pretty sure I believe that but it doesn't feel like it.

Katie: ugly cry, ugly cry, ugly cry

It's like I just wanted someone to tell me that I no longer had the choice, but instead I had to do whatever they told me. When both decisions sound okay, that is logical right? Just someone tell me what to do!!!! I tried to get my mom or dad to do that, but they refused, not because they didn't want to necessarily (but I do believe you didn't want to, right Mama?) But more because they believe in me. They believes that I am capable and that, more than I give myself credit for, I can make decisions. I have been practicing for years. I would have gladly allowed this sister to decide for me. She is wise and knows me well. But she didn't want to either - because she has made it almost all the way through her twenties and lived well and sees the value in these moments - in learning about yourself and knowing yourself and growing into yourself. I would have even let my baby sister choose for me, but she, too, could see the development happening inside of me and as my biggest fan, was confident that I could do it.

I, however, couldn't see what they saw. I couldn't see the ability. I could only see the problem. 

But honestly, these are the people we need around when the world gets blurry, when we can't seem to see straight and things are too overwhelming. Sometimes you just need people who will let you ugly cry and not judge you for making decisions hard. And they will even sympathize with you and agree that this one really is a hard decision and they may not envy you, but they believe in you and they believe in your God who will not forsake you and they believe in the Holy Spirit inside of you who will guide you. Because the world is super overwhelming. And sometimes we don't know what we're doing or where we're going. Toward the end of the conversation, my oldest sister asked if she could pray for me. (To quote some great friends, "Has it come to this?!") I wish I could tell you that prayer was my first instinct, but this time I thought I could do it - silly me. No. I couldn't. I needed the Lord. I need the Lord. So Abby prayed and then I realized that more than anything I need to pray - daily - no, more like moment by moment. I need to pray. I need to be in communication with the God who created me and who gives peace. I went later to a coffee shop and was reminded of this scripture:

But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives, do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid... John 14

Peace. He gives peace. I am sure of it. And now the decision is all over with. And the world didn't end. He sustains me and He guides me. Thank goodness I am not just left up to myself.

Come thou fount of every blessing. Tune my heart to sing thy grace.
Streams of mercy never ceasing call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet, sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount, I'm fixed upon it. Mount of thy unchanging love.

an Irish state of mind

After you go on a big trip, the initial reactions are pretty much the same:
Oh my gosh! You're back! How was it?
What was your favorite thing?
Are you going to become (insert nationality of place you visited, in this case, Irish) now?

Now- there is absolutely nothing wrong with these questions. They came from people who genuinely care, but don't even know where to begin in asking about or understanding the experience I went through. The answers went something like this "Amazing...probably Glendalough...and yes. I could become Irish tomorrow and be happy." The battle, however, comes from trying to give an appropriate answer, based on who asked the question and how much information they want and/or have time for. The issue is that no matter how much information I gave, I could never tell it all. I could never really make them understand. And I could never satisfy my desire to give them an experience like the one I had. Because in reflecting on my adventure in Ireland, I have seen more and more how life-changing it was, how each cup of coffee and melt-in-your-mouth scone added to the overall experience, and how when God made it obvious that I should go on this trip, he did it to meet me there. Coming to that realization was refreshing and took the pressure off of inducing an experience that was sacred to me and that friends and family who stayed at home may not get to have right away. And that is okay. The incredible thing is that the Lord who created the beautiful land of Ireland, called me there to meet with me, to remind me that I am His and that He has a plan for me. I would do the whole trip again in a heartbeat, but I don't think I need to. I have not been the same since I have been back. There is a sense of being refreshed, a newness in me, that I can only attribute to the sovereign God, who spoke my name in St. Patrick's land.

I went into the trip with little expectation, knowing that (1) I would know very few members of our group, (2) I was, without a doubt, supposed to go and (3) we would be learning something about prayer, which may have been the most intimidating part going in. The purpose of the trip was to journey, through Celtic Spirituality and also through the land of Ireland. And journey we did, beginning and ending in Dublin, but seeing 8 different places in between. We rode a bus through breathtaking countryside with a bus driver, named Donald, who was as caring and compassionate as he was skilled at guiding the charter bus through little gates and down curvy, narrow roads. A woman named Kiran led our group through this pilgrimage  She is the perfect combination of no-nonsense leader and kind listener; not once did we feel less than completely taken care of by her. We met incredible Irish men and women along the way, including the current Lord Mayor of Armagh, who was gracious enough to answer our questions, give us a brief history of the city of Armagh, and let us eat lunch in her palace. We saw a glimpse of the trouble St Patrick faced, upon entering this land, as an outsider and former slave. We walked along a wall that divides a city, a wall that was intended for peace, but in reality gives a physical sign of the disunity and hate between Irish Catholics and Irish/English Protestants. We visited several cathedrals and toured the Giant's Causeway. We sat in pubs and drank beer and listened to Irish folk music and talked about life and purpose. And we landed in Dublin, the night before St Patrick's Day where the city was full of energy and green lights shone on  all of the buildings. We saw the parade and a glimpse of the craziness that Dublin became and we drank green beer before heading back to our hotel to have one last session and pack up to leave for the airport at 3 AM.

It was definitely a whirlwind and even as I look back over that list, it seems like the trip was completely crazy, but one of my favorite things about Ireland is that it didn't feel like time was flying by. We journeyed at an even and calm pace. We studied early Christianity in Ireland and talked about the redemption of a people who were barbarians before coming to know the Lord, much like us.
The first day we spent in Ireland was at Glendalough. We walked through a monastery with Father Michael, a brilliant Irish native, who would stop every so often and discuss a corner of Celtic Spirituality. He emphasized solitude and the importance of spending time in solitude before entering into community. Solitude is the place where you will learn and become who you are, which may be the longest but most important journey in your life. There are times when you will feel lost and uncertain of where you're going or where you are "supposed" to be, but the beauty in it all is that there is both redemption and salvation for that moment. Our guide emphasized that all we are asked is to be great people in our time... "and that's who the monks were... lovely people..." I wish I had his voice recorded for you (and for me to hear right now). He would tell stories and quote poetry and scripture throughout the day and he didn't use any notes or books - just himself telling us what he knows to be true. He would be mid story and wanting us so badly to be in the moment with him that he would lower the volume to almost a whisper and as if our life depended on the next word out of his mouth, our group would lean in, completely sold out to what he was saying and where his story was headed. He was completely captivating. And above everything else he focused on our paths to finding God. He talked about the steps we take to find him ourselves and how we help each other along the way. And he told us to keep our eyes open, for God can be found if we practice looking for Him. 

It's been about six weeks since I visited Ireland, but decided to start blogging about it because a friend told me to :) I am grateful, though; so thanks, Katherine. It is completely refreshing to go back and revisit a place that I completely fell in love with. My Ireland recap will have to be in several posts so hopefully this will suffice for now - the takeaways of wisdom and truth from the whole experience far out number the minutes I have to blog about it, but I never want to forget. I want to bind these things on my heart and keep them in the forefront of my mind. And I want to share them with you.
And I want to truly live... with genuine understanding and knowledge of the character of God, who pursues His children and cares enough about them to pull them out of their every day rut and speak to them.

Psalm 40:1-3a

"I waited patiently for the Lord;he inclined to me and heard my cry.2 He drew me up from the pit of destruction,out of the miry bog,and set my feet upon a rock,making my steps secure.3 He put a new song in my mouth,a song of praise to our God..."