Today was a weird day. I got up and ran, which usually makes me feel better - more alive and ready for the day, but no such luck today... I went to work and felt sort of lethargic all day. I decided the cure would be homemade soup and a movie, but even that didn't do the trick. I needed out. Just a small escape - somewhere to run, walk, hide, move. I said out loud that we should go do something and my sweet roommate agreed. She immediately got up and we texted two other sweet girls who were exactly what I needed. And we walked. Just around, not really heading anywhere in particular but just walking and catching up. We laughed a lot and I could feel the shell soften... It all just has me thinking.
Maybe sometimes my head makes things too complicated. Maybe this song playing on my spotify right now is right. "I get lost in my mind" Maybe my head was just jumbled all day and I couldn't shake the weird-not-myself feeling. I was just lost, wandering around my mind. But what I needed was to wander around outside with good friends. I think I probably could have walked forever. Okay maybe not forever, but for a good while for sure.
So. Tonight I am thankful for Texas weather, songs that speak to me, legs that work, friends that listen and also talk. And I'm thankful for my jumbled up mind - it's a mess but it's mine.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
joy and pain
I just about had a heart attack when I realized that I have not blogged in a over a month. But then I remembered this last piece of time and realized that there was no time to blog. I can't help but smile while remembering the holidays. So much laughter and rest and hope live there, in a month that had some tears and some pain, but mostly joy because even if pain came in the night, joy resounded in the morning. While I was not my best self every day and while there are still moments to regret and words I wish I could erase, I feel like I have grown, like 2013 really is a chance to reset and hit the refresh button. I have never been a big fan of new years resolutions. The cynical part of me used to scoff at people in December and say "well if you were wanting to make that change, why wait for Jan 1st?" And while there probably is a portion of wisdom in that (you know the whole seize the day - yolo - we're not promised tomorrow stuff), this year I was remarkably aware of the anticipation and hope of something new.
I hurt someone, who I love more than anything, deeply right before the new year began. I think that maybe this is why my mind and self were so ready for someone to hit reset and take away the hurt that I had caused. We woke up the next morning to rain pouring down and the Lord reminded me how fitting it was to wash away the old and cleanse what had been marred. I couldn't take back words that cut straight through and I never again wanted to let myself cause the destruction that unfolded. But the thing is I am (and I guess we are) just a word away, especially when it comes to people we love so much. We have to be big enough to apologize for causing hurt and hope that the other person will still see us for who we are. We have to learn to forgive ourselves, although for me this may be the hardest part of all. And we have to be willing to move on, to say that we wish we could go back and change the course of that conversation. And then we have to offer love and then choose to be thankful that we have developed a solid enough love for each other that even when I am at my absolute worst, she can move past the hurt and hold my hand and walk closely with me. I am humbled to say that she has done that and more.
The end of 2012 also brought one of the greatest joys I have ever known. My precious nephew was born on December 11, weighing in at 7lbs 10oz with one of the most precious faces I have ever seen in my life. I was certain that I would not be one of those crazy people who is obsessed with their sibling's baby, but I was wrong. I have absolutely entered into crazytown. Those of you who follow me on any social medium probably feel like you have seen more pictures than you cared to, but I just cannot help it. He is such a beautiful baby and he brought so much joy and laughter to the winter holidays. My sister has eased into the role of Mommy and is doing great. She loves that baby so much and none of us can get over her gentle ways and calm attitude, especially in the middle of the holiday craziness. Baby Blue was passed around, kissed a billion times, rocked by every aunt, great aunt, cousin and friend and he was such a good sport. He slept well and cried very little. And he made us laugh all of the time. He loves music and lights and his grandma and he recently developed a double chin :) His presence changed our holiday but so much for the better. We enjoyed sweet conversations with my sister and brother-in-law as they are navigating the unknown and we snuggled with our little man in his footy pajamas. Oh even the thought right now is warming my heart.
We had family come to visit for a couple of days and they brought noise, drinks, food, laughter, stories, and more love than I have ever been aware of. We sat and talked and cooked. We laughed from the gut, so hard we cried. We exchanged gifts and we danced and we celebrated the new year rolling in. I knew that night how incredibly lucky I am to belong to our motley crew. We are messy and loud but we love each other.
We also had several days - more than usual - with just the (now) 8 of us. We stayed in pajamas until late in the morning and explained to Baby Blue how awesome adulthood is... We watched movies and worked on a puzzle and played games and we celebrated how close knit our family is and how incredibly blessed we are. The "new" theme resonated with all of us. We were ready to say goodbye to 2012 and welcome in the fresh start that the new year carried. Hope floated around us and through us and beckoned for us to pause and be thankful. I don't know if you are a new years person or not, but either way, there is an importance and significance and hope of something new for all of us.
How deep the Father's love toward us. How vast beyond all measure.
A little late, but still worth saying, Happy New Year, everyone! :)
I hurt someone, who I love more than anything, deeply right before the new year began. I think that maybe this is why my mind and self were so ready for someone to hit reset and take away the hurt that I had caused. We woke up the next morning to rain pouring down and the Lord reminded me how fitting it was to wash away the old and cleanse what had been marred. I couldn't take back words that cut straight through and I never again wanted to let myself cause the destruction that unfolded. But the thing is I am (and I guess we are) just a word away, especially when it comes to people we love so much. We have to be big enough to apologize for causing hurt and hope that the other person will still see us for who we are. We have to learn to forgive ourselves, although for me this may be the hardest part of all. And we have to be willing to move on, to say that we wish we could go back and change the course of that conversation. And then we have to offer love and then choose to be thankful that we have developed a solid enough love for each other that even when I am at my absolute worst, she can move past the hurt and hold my hand and walk closely with me. I am humbled to say that she has done that and more.
The end of 2012 also brought one of the greatest joys I have ever known. My precious nephew was born on December 11, weighing in at 7lbs 10oz with one of the most precious faces I have ever seen in my life. I was certain that I would not be one of those crazy people who is obsessed with their sibling's baby, but I was wrong. I have absolutely entered into crazytown. Those of you who follow me on any social medium probably feel like you have seen more pictures than you cared to, but I just cannot help it. He is such a beautiful baby and he brought so much joy and laughter to the winter holidays. My sister has eased into the role of Mommy and is doing great. She loves that baby so much and none of us can get over her gentle ways and calm attitude, especially in the middle of the holiday craziness. Baby Blue was passed around, kissed a billion times, rocked by every aunt, great aunt, cousin and friend and he was such a good sport. He slept well and cried very little. And he made us laugh all of the time. He loves music and lights and his grandma and he recently developed a double chin :) His presence changed our holiday but so much for the better. We enjoyed sweet conversations with my sister and brother-in-law as they are navigating the unknown and we snuggled with our little man in his footy pajamas. Oh even the thought right now is warming my heart.
We had family come to visit for a couple of days and they brought noise, drinks, food, laughter, stories, and more love than I have ever been aware of. We sat and talked and cooked. We laughed from the gut, so hard we cried. We exchanged gifts and we danced and we celebrated the new year rolling in. I knew that night how incredibly lucky I am to belong to our motley crew. We are messy and loud but we love each other.
We also had several days - more than usual - with just the (now) 8 of us. We stayed in pajamas until late in the morning and explained to Baby Blue how awesome adulthood is... We watched movies and worked on a puzzle and played games and we celebrated how close knit our family is and how incredibly blessed we are. The "new" theme resonated with all of us. We were ready to say goodbye to 2012 and welcome in the fresh start that the new year carried. Hope floated around us and through us and beckoned for us to pause and be thankful. I don't know if you are a new years person or not, but either way, there is an importance and significance and hope of something new for all of us.
How deep the Father's love toward us. How vast beyond all measure.
A little late, but still worth saying, Happy New Year, everyone! :)
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