I read this post in Relevant Magazine the other day and I haven't been able to get it out of my head. I don't typically read this magazine, but someone posted a link on facebook and in a moment of weakness, when I was wasting my life on the internet, I clicked on it. But it turns out, that article wasn't a waste of time at all. About every 6-8 weeks, I hit a... well it's a... let's just call it a moment in my quarter life crisis. Suddenly everything in my life is off track and nothing good will ever happen and I have only had bad hair days and I will never really accomplish my goals (mostly because I can't decide what my goals are) and there are too many everythings (books to read, places to see, food to eat, people to know, jobs to try, etc) and I just cant.
I
just
cant.
It's a bummer really because it will hit me out of nowhere and only afterward I remember that it had been a couple of months since the last breakdown and really I was due anyway so hopefully it'll be 8 weeks til the next one. But, unfortunately, in the midst of the freak out, I can't see straight and everything falls apart for a minute. And I get frustrated. I am not a ball dropper and yet suddenly the circus has come to a screaming halt because my juggling act has completely failed.The questions are typically in the same line of:
What am I doing with my life? Should there be something more? Am I missing my "moment"?
And even though I have encountered these questions a thousand times, the answers are still daunting:
I don't know. I don't know. I DON'T KNOW.
And perhaps the not knowing is the scariest part of all. The thing about the quarter life crisis is that it's not talked about, really. It's joked about. It's possibly mentioned as an explanation for what's wrong with someone but it's never truly addressed and it is as real as gum under a school desk. And without fail you'll be the one to stick your hand in the pink, germ-filled adhesion and then have no clue what to do with yourself because no one else seems to be sticking their fingers in gum.
Except me. Every eight weeks or so I stick my hand in a big wad of bubblicious bubble gum and then I panic. So in an effort to avoid embracing this fact of life and instead try to patch it up, I have been goal-setting. (It's one of those recommended remedies. blah blah blah) My roommates and I try to do weekly goals. They are little things like keep your room clean for the week or read a certain amount or eat breakfast everyday, but still at the end of the week, we feel accomplished because we did something we set out to do. These are great and helpful, but honestly it is the larger goals that make me feel like I'm trapped inside of myself.
One of the premises of starting this blog was to ask myself "Am I _______ (working here, living here, {not} travelling there) because I want to? Or because I haven't been brave?" And honestly 90% of the time, I am not sure of the answer to that question either. Is it because I haven't been brave? Ugh. Is it?
Wow this blog took a depressing turn as I settle into that question, but the good news is that the Lord won't ever let me just leave it there. You see, He put something deep, deep inside of me that will never be settled just leaving it there. So I get to that question and then I evaluate and then I remind myself of all of the ways that I have been brave and I remind myself that twenty-something is a difficult age to be and that only at the end of myself can I fully see and experience hope. Because there is hope and there is time and there is today. And today I am here - smack dab in the middle of where I am supposed to be. It's scary and sometimes I can't see the end, but it is what it is. So as I near the end of yet another panicked quarter life crisis moment (and pray against the next one), I am sending out a {hopefully} hopeful message.
You others who are sticking your free fingers in gum every so often, you are not alone. And when you feel it, give me a call. I am becoming a perpetual gum finder :) but still working every day to remember how to unstick it.
Also, if any of you have suggestions, they will be greatly appreciated and considered for immediate implementation. Thank you in advance :)
Friend, my hand is perpetually stuck in the gum. Being a stay-at-home mom allows too much time with myself, too much time with my own thoughts, too much time to reflect on all the things I'm not doing, want to be doing, will never be able to do. I've been wondering lately if maybe part of our progressive sanctification is that we are kinda always stuck in the gum ... these questions, these struggles are what make us better, draw us closer, make us more reliant ... remind us of our daily need for God, our daily need for wisdom and guidance from the Holy Spirit. These periodic struggles we have point us to God. We are experiencing growing pains, friend. And what a thing to be thankful for. What a thing to see the markers of growth on our hearts.
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