weekend of labor

This weekend (specifically yesterday) I had to make a pretty big decision. For those of you who know me, you probably gritted your teeth at that thought. I struggle with decisions - well I guess I should say I struggle with some decisions. Sometimes I can answer immediately - for example, yes, I will always want mustard on my hotdog and no I do not want to dive with sharks or swim across the Atlantic - easy. decision made. However, this was one of those life changing, feels like I am paralyzed, how am I ever supposed to know what I am supposed to do, what is the meaning of life type of decisions and so, I panicked. Completely and utterly and ugly cried for about two hours as my precious family tried to console me.

Fact: no one can make this decision except for you. oh greeeeaaaaaattttttt.

Fact: either way you are going to be okay. ya right. this one is definitely going to kill me.

Fact: God will never leave you or forsake you. I am pretty sure I believe that but it doesn't feel like it.

Katie: ugly cry, ugly cry, ugly cry

It's like I just wanted someone to tell me that I no longer had the choice, but instead I had to do whatever they told me. When both decisions sound okay, that is logical right? Just someone tell me what to do!!!! I tried to get my mom or dad to do that, but they refused, not because they didn't want to necessarily (but I do believe you didn't want to, right Mama?) But more because they believe in me. They believes that I am capable and that, more than I give myself credit for, I can make decisions. I have been practicing for years. I would have gladly allowed this sister to decide for me. She is wise and knows me well. But she didn't want to either - because she has made it almost all the way through her twenties and lived well and sees the value in these moments - in learning about yourself and knowing yourself and growing into yourself. I would have even let my baby sister choose for me, but she, too, could see the development happening inside of me and as my biggest fan, was confident that I could do it.

I, however, couldn't see what they saw. I couldn't see the ability. I could only see the problem. 

But honestly, these are the people we need around when the world gets blurry, when we can't seem to see straight and things are too overwhelming. Sometimes you just need people who will let you ugly cry and not judge you for making decisions hard. And they will even sympathize with you and agree that this one really is a hard decision and they may not envy you, but they believe in you and they believe in your God who will not forsake you and they believe in the Holy Spirit inside of you who will guide you. Because the world is super overwhelming. And sometimes we don't know what we're doing or where we're going. Toward the end of the conversation, my oldest sister asked if she could pray for me. (To quote some great friends, "Has it come to this?!") I wish I could tell you that prayer was my first instinct, but this time I thought I could do it - silly me. No. I couldn't. I needed the Lord. I need the Lord. So Abby prayed and then I realized that more than anything I need to pray - daily - no, more like moment by moment. I need to pray. I need to be in communication with the God who created me and who gives peace. I went later to a coffee shop and was reminded of this scripture:

But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives, do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid... John 14

Peace. He gives peace. I am sure of it. And now the decision is all over with. And the world didn't end. He sustains me and He guides me. Thank goodness I am not just left up to myself.

Come thou fount of every blessing. Tune my heart to sing thy grace.
Streams of mercy never ceasing call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet, sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount, I'm fixed upon it. Mount of thy unchanging love.