an Irish state of mind

After you go on a big trip, the initial reactions are pretty much the same:
Oh my gosh! You're back! How was it?
What was your favorite thing?
Are you going to become (insert nationality of place you visited, in this case, Irish) now?

Now- there is absolutely nothing wrong with these questions. They came from people who genuinely care, but don't even know where to begin in asking about or understanding the experience I went through. The answers went something like this "Amazing...probably Glendalough...and yes. I could become Irish tomorrow and be happy." The battle, however, comes from trying to give an appropriate answer, based on who asked the question and how much information they want and/or have time for. The issue is that no matter how much information I gave, I could never tell it all. I could never really make them understand. And I could never satisfy my desire to give them an experience like the one I had. Because in reflecting on my adventure in Ireland, I have seen more and more how life-changing it was, how each cup of coffee and melt-in-your-mouth scone added to the overall experience, and how when God made it obvious that I should go on this trip, he did it to meet me there. Coming to that realization was refreshing and took the pressure off of inducing an experience that was sacred to me and that friends and family who stayed at home may not get to have right away. And that is okay. The incredible thing is that the Lord who created the beautiful land of Ireland, called me there to meet with me, to remind me that I am His and that He has a plan for me. I would do the whole trip again in a heartbeat, but I don't think I need to. I have not been the same since I have been back. There is a sense of being refreshed, a newness in me, that I can only attribute to the sovereign God, who spoke my name in St. Patrick's land.

I went into the trip with little expectation, knowing that (1) I would know very few members of our group, (2) I was, without a doubt, supposed to go and (3) we would be learning something about prayer, which may have been the most intimidating part going in. The purpose of the trip was to journey, through Celtic Spirituality and also through the land of Ireland. And journey we did, beginning and ending in Dublin, but seeing 8 different places in between. We rode a bus through breathtaking countryside with a bus driver, named Donald, who was as caring and compassionate as he was skilled at guiding the charter bus through little gates and down curvy, narrow roads. A woman named Kiran led our group through this pilgrimage  She is the perfect combination of no-nonsense leader and kind listener; not once did we feel less than completely taken care of by her. We met incredible Irish men and women along the way, including the current Lord Mayor of Armagh, who was gracious enough to answer our questions, give us a brief history of the city of Armagh, and let us eat lunch in her palace. We saw a glimpse of the trouble St Patrick faced, upon entering this land, as an outsider and former slave. We walked along a wall that divides a city, a wall that was intended for peace, but in reality gives a physical sign of the disunity and hate between Irish Catholics and Irish/English Protestants. We visited several cathedrals and toured the Giant's Causeway. We sat in pubs and drank beer and listened to Irish folk music and talked about life and purpose. And we landed in Dublin, the night before St Patrick's Day where the city was full of energy and green lights shone on  all of the buildings. We saw the parade and a glimpse of the craziness that Dublin became and we drank green beer before heading back to our hotel to have one last session and pack up to leave for the airport at 3 AM.

It was definitely a whirlwind and even as I look back over that list, it seems like the trip was completely crazy, but one of my favorite things about Ireland is that it didn't feel like time was flying by. We journeyed at an even and calm pace. We studied early Christianity in Ireland and talked about the redemption of a people who were barbarians before coming to know the Lord, much like us.
The first day we spent in Ireland was at Glendalough. We walked through a monastery with Father Michael, a brilliant Irish native, who would stop every so often and discuss a corner of Celtic Spirituality. He emphasized solitude and the importance of spending time in solitude before entering into community. Solitude is the place where you will learn and become who you are, which may be the longest but most important journey in your life. There are times when you will feel lost and uncertain of where you're going or where you are "supposed" to be, but the beauty in it all is that there is both redemption and salvation for that moment. Our guide emphasized that all we are asked is to be great people in our time... "and that's who the monks were... lovely people..." I wish I had his voice recorded for you (and for me to hear right now). He would tell stories and quote poetry and scripture throughout the day and he didn't use any notes or books - just himself telling us what he knows to be true. He would be mid story and wanting us so badly to be in the moment with him that he would lower the volume to almost a whisper and as if our life depended on the next word out of his mouth, our group would lean in, completely sold out to what he was saying and where his story was headed. He was completely captivating. And above everything else he focused on our paths to finding God. He talked about the steps we take to find him ourselves and how we help each other along the way. And he told us to keep our eyes open, for God can be found if we practice looking for Him. 

It's been about six weeks since I visited Ireland, but decided to start blogging about it because a friend told me to :) I am grateful, though; so thanks, Katherine. It is completely refreshing to go back and revisit a place that I completely fell in love with. My Ireland recap will have to be in several posts so hopefully this will suffice for now - the takeaways of wisdom and truth from the whole experience far out number the minutes I have to blog about it, but I never want to forget. I want to bind these things on my heart and keep them in the forefront of my mind. And I want to share them with you.
And I want to truly live... with genuine understanding and knowledge of the character of God, who pursues His children and cares enough about them to pull them out of their every day rut and speak to them.

Psalm 40:1-3a

"I waited patiently for the Lord;he inclined to me and heard my cry.2 He drew me up from the pit of destruction,out of the miry bog,and set my feet upon a rock,making my steps secure.3 He put a new song in my mouth,a song of praise to our God..."

clogging

Last week, my sisters and I decided to become cloggers. It's rather ambitious, really. I mean we have never taken a single clogging class, but if you ask me, it's never too late! Sometimes I want to just pick up and do something like that - clogging or learn to play the french horn or go to Europe. Especially on the days that the fluorescent lights get the best of me.... I keep reading that the cure for these momentary question marks in my life is developing a heart of thanksgiving. 
In light of that, I will be posting every so often a list of what I have been given. Today's goes like this:
1. my own office
2. a hot cup of coffee
3. a precious, light-up-your-day-with-a-smile nephew
4. a cute scarf
5. a forum to write

I do think there is value in expressing Thanksgiving. Ann Voskamp wrote the book One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are. She talks a lot about not missing your life, but learning to appreciate where you have been placed. I always hesitate to recommend this book to other people - Mama gave it to me awhile back and when I read the first chapter, I thought she had to be kidding. The words are flowery and kind of spacey. She writes differently than what I was used to. So I put the book down and didn't pick it up for another year. But this time, I got through the first chapter and saw the point of where she was going. Her heart and desire is to teach about Eucharisteo or the concept of being grateful.  (You can read more about this concept here.) I want to be a person who lives like that, who recognizes gifts and gives thanks. Starting this blog was part of wanting to share joy in my life, but sometimes I wonder if I would write more if I had a specific direction. But when it comes down to it, I am not sure where this blog is going or what the end goal really is with my writing. I have considered fashion, baking, life experiences or wisdom, but none of them really have stood out. I guess maybe this blog will just be a combination of all of those with Thanksgiving embedded throughout. I hope to live with a heart of thankfulness. I know that I will probably always want to pick up and go somewhere else or just take a day off to play and escape, but the reality is that you can't always just do that. So when you can't, you need a game plan. I think, for now, I will try to train mine to be gratitude. 

“...the secret to joy is to keep seeking God where we doubt He is.” - Ann Voskamp

walking

Today was a weird day. I got up and ran, which usually makes me feel better - more alive and ready for the day, but no such luck today... I went to work and felt sort of lethargic all day. I decided the cure would be homemade soup and a movie, but even that didn't do the trick. I needed out. Just a small escape - somewhere to run, walk, hide, move. I said out loud that we should go do something and my sweet roommate agreed. She immediately got up and we texted two other sweet girls who were exactly what I needed. And we walked. Just around, not really heading anywhere in particular but just walking and catching up. We laughed a lot and I could feel the shell soften... It all just has me thinking.
Maybe sometimes my head makes things too complicated. Maybe this song playing on my spotify right now is right. "I get lost in my mind" Maybe my head was just jumbled all day and I couldn't shake the weird-not-myself feeling. I was just lost, wandering around my mind. But what I needed was to wander around outside with good friends. I think I probably could have walked forever. Okay maybe not forever, but for a good while for sure.
So. Tonight I am thankful for Texas weather, songs that speak to me, legs that work, friends that listen and also talk. And I'm thankful for my jumbled up mind - it's a mess but it's mine.

joy and pain

I just about had a heart attack when I realized that I have not blogged in a over a month. But then I remembered this last piece of time and realized that there was no time to blog. I can't help but smile while remembering the holidays. So much laughter and rest and hope live there, in a month that had some tears and some pain, but mostly joy because even if pain came in the night, joy resounded in the morning. While I was not my best self every day and while there are still moments to regret and words I wish I could erase, I feel like I have grown, like 2013 really is a chance to reset and hit the refresh button. I have never been a big fan of new years resolutions. The cynical part of me used to scoff at people in December and say "well if you were wanting to make that change, why wait for Jan 1st?" And while there probably is a portion of wisdom in that (you know the whole seize the day - yolo - we're not promised tomorrow stuff), this year I was remarkably aware of the anticipation and hope of something new.

I hurt someone, who I love more than anything, deeply right before the new year began. I think that maybe this is why my mind and self were so ready for someone to hit reset and take away the hurt that I had caused. We woke up the next morning to rain pouring down and the Lord reminded me how fitting it was to wash away the old and cleanse what had been marred. I couldn't take back words that cut straight through and I never again wanted to let myself cause the destruction that unfolded. But the thing is I am (and I guess we are) just a word away, especially when it comes to people we love so much. We have to be big enough to apologize for causing hurt and hope that the other person will still see us for who we are. We have to learn to forgive ourselves, although for me this may be the hardest part of all. And we have to be willing to move on, to say that we wish we could go back and change the course of that conversation. And then we have to offer love and then choose to be thankful that we have developed a solid enough love for each other that even when I am at my absolute worst, she can move past the hurt and hold my hand and walk closely with me. I am humbled to say that she has done that and more.

The end of 2012 also brought one of the greatest joys I have ever known. My precious nephew was born on December 11, weighing in at 7lbs 10oz with one of the most precious faces I have ever seen in my life. I was certain that I would not be one of those crazy people who is obsessed with their sibling's baby, but I was wrong. I have absolutely entered into crazytown. Those of you who follow me on any social medium probably feel like you have seen more pictures than you cared to, but I just cannot help it. He is such a beautiful baby and he brought so much joy and laughter to the winter holidays. My sister has eased into the role of Mommy and is doing great. She loves that baby so much and none of us can get over her gentle ways and calm attitude, especially in the middle of the holiday craziness. Baby Blue was passed around, kissed a billion times, rocked by every aunt, great aunt, cousin and friend and he was such a good sport. He slept well and cried very little. And he made us laugh all of the time. He loves music and lights and his grandma and he recently developed a double chin :) His presence changed our holiday but so much for the better. We enjoyed sweet conversations with my sister and brother-in-law as they are navigating the unknown and we snuggled with our little man in his footy pajamas. Oh even the thought right now is warming my heart.

We had family come to visit for a couple of days and they brought noise, drinks, food, laughter, stories, and more love than I have ever been aware of. We sat and talked and cooked. We laughed from the gut, so hard we cried. We exchanged gifts and we danced and we celebrated the new year rolling in. I knew that night how incredibly lucky I am to belong to our motley crew. We are messy and loud but we love each other.
We also had several days - more than usual - with just the (now) 8 of us. We stayed in pajamas until late in the morning and explained to Baby Blue how awesome adulthood is... We watched movies and worked on a puzzle and played games and we celebrated how close knit our family is and how incredibly blessed we are. The "new" theme resonated with all of us. We were ready to say goodbye to 2012 and welcome in the fresh start that the new year carried. Hope floated around us and through us and beckoned for us to pause and be thankful. I don't know if you are a new years person or not, but either way, there is an importance and significance and hope of something new for all of us.

How deep the Father's love toward us. How vast beyond all measure.
A little late, but still worth saying, Happy New Year, everyone! :)

fluorescent lights

Confession: every time I type the word fluorescent I get the squiggly red line because I cannot for the life of me spell it correctly. Honestly though I am okay with that. It is not a word I feel like I need in my vocabulary. I would like to have a conversation with the person who decided to use fluorescent lights in office buildings. I believe that it might be the cause of so many people being unhappy at work. Why not just put sky lights in the office so that people can have a shot at seeing the sun every once in awhile, huh? I mean seriously. In my office I have these teeny tiny windows that are like 10 feet off the ground so even adjusting the blinds is not happening. Maybe I should get one of those long cane-like poles with the grabber on the end so that I can reach... or maybe the person who built this office should have really thought this through! Instead they put windows way too high, that barely let any light in anyway and two massive fluorescent (squiggly line again) lights in the ceiling. Yesterday these lights really got to me. I was truly just fowl at work. And since I don't want to blame the lack of sleep the night before, I decided to blame the lights. At about 1pm I was in serious need of more caffeine and just over the day. Unfortunate because the real part of my day happens at like 2:30 so I needed a drastic attitude adjustment. I left work, not intending to really change the mood, but drove with my windows down, blaring country music, as a last ditch effort to turn it around. As I pulled into Sonic, I got a heytell from one of my best friends asking if I thought she should get a Sonic drink since she was having a rough day. Great minds think alike - I'm sure she has fluorescent lights hovering over her all day too. Of course I told her that she absolutely should go to Sonic, which I'm sure she probably expected. Typically I get heytell questions from her when she already knows my answer and just wants someone to approve of the decision (should I get another cup of coffee? always yes. is it time for dr pepper? absolutely. is ice cream in the plan for tonight? it is now! do you think i should buy a new dress? pair of shoes? jewelry? text me a pic but 9 times out of 10, affirmative.) Somehow just hearing from her made my cold, fierce, dont-talk-to-me-I-want-to-go-back-to-bed self soften a little. Then the guy at Sonic asked if I was moving because literally I have a car packed full of stuff. I giggled - nope this is just how my car looks on a normal Wednesday. He was embarrassed and so was I - just a little. But I laughed and then the shell broke.
So with my vanilla dr pepper in hand, Taylor Swift on the radio, windows down and 70 degree weather, I drove. And let myself forget about the fluorescent lights and emails and phone calls. It was sort of like hitting reset on the whole day. Saying, this morning was not really who I want to be so let's start over - retry. Sometimes I let myself sit in the rut and sometimes I don't under any circumstance want to be talked out of my fowl mood, but sometimes I'll let it fizzle out and sometimes I'll decide to allow a circumstance to adjust the frame of mind and honestly - that's a decision I never regret.

grace has a name

This song has been running through my head all morning... I don't know who sings it so I am not sure who the credit goes to but here are the words I can remember...
You are the Light, Bethlehem's Son, Hope of the World, The Glorious One.
The Savior to all is with us tonight. You are the Light.
Now the whole world will not be the same cause Love has come down and Grace has a name.
The name of the child is Jesus Christ. You are the Light.

Today is the 4th anniversary of the day my best friend's mother went to meet the Savior of the world. Still I have a hard time believing that this actually happened and will forever be a part of the life story of one of the most incredible women I know. Tricia Bradley was one of the kindest, most compassionate, caring, hilarious people and all who knew her were blessed because of her hopeful nature. She used to pull through the drive through at Wendy's just because she was in the mood for some french fries and if she knew I would be hanging out at her house (as I did most afternoons my senior year), she would share some with me - a woman after my own heart! Her laugh filled the kitchen and living room at the Bradley house and she warmly greeted everyone that came through the door. She actually knew the friends of her kids - not like our names, but who we were and what we were all about. She faithfully attended prayer groups to seek wisdom for parenting and protection for her kids. She encouraged everyone she knew to pursue a deeper faith and understanding of the One True God and gave advice not only when asked but also when needed (rarely did the two happen at the same time). She taught me how to ice a cake when her daughter and I insisted on baking cakes in the shapes of letters for our friend's birthdays. She walked through pain beautifully, hopeful and confident in the truth she treasured. She sent care packages to college for Amanda (and luckily taught her to share) and when I asked, she would talk to me on the phone, even though really she had called to talk to her daughter. She was always busy, but still always had time for long talks or shopping trips. Soon after she went home, I remember hoping that time would just stand still - that if only we could stay close to the actual date of her goodbye to earth, we would never forget who she was or what she wanted so badly to teach us. But as always, time went on. People would say that time would heal a lot and maybe it has, but I would hate to give time too much credit. The thing is that there is no way I would be who I am or have made it this far without the Lord's protection and provision in my life and the life of my friend's. My dear friend, who has courageously taken steps in this journey that she was called to, has in many ways become like the woman who raised her. She was given her eyes and smile and hints of her voice, but the older we get, the more I can see her mom's caring heart and compassionate spirit in the way Amanda loves the people around her. It is an incredible gift that only the Lord could have given. So today I will remember Mama Bradley and her unique ability to make me feel welcome and valued, but I will also remember that I have seen and experienced tangible grace. The credit for the major steps that have been taken in my life and my friend's can only go to the Hope of the World. I am thankful today that Grace has a name and that I am able to walk in communion with Him daily.

a little late but still thankful

Somehow December crept up on me. I knew it was coming and had braced myself for this season, but still I am in awe that today is December 3rd. I laid in bed last night regretting not writing a Thanksgiving blog over the long break that I had. There were several moments that if I could have frozen them, taken a picture and posted it, I would have because they were so beautiful. And I wanted to share them with the world. Holidays are definitely different as an adult- some things sweeter and some more obviously harsh than I ever knew they would be. Thankfully, time with my sisters has grown more and more precious. This past break we got a lot of time together - more than most breaks - and we know it won't happen this way every time so even in the moment we reminded ourselves to be incredibly thankful. There are times when we look back on times together and somehow the memory is sweeter than the time actually was. However, this time, that is not the case. We were aware in the moment of how precious this time together really was. Someone would pause mid conversation, just to take in the laughter and lighthearted voices, as we played Rummikub or Phase 10 and would say, almost at a whisper we are so blessed. and, truly, we are. There is much to be thankful for so even though I missed the golden opportunity to publicly declare my Thanksgiving list, I still think it's important so I am going to claim a "better late than never" on this one and just go for it...
1. My family, who demonstrates grace and patience to me daily and are truly beautiful. We're not perfect, but I wouldn't want to be a part of any other mess.
2. Amanda, who knows my secrets and loves me anyway - and for her husband, Will, who sacrifices time with the most precious one in his life so that my best friend and I can still have time together.
3. My roommates, who have to endure my verbal unloading of the struggles throughout my day and who willingly share in celebrations and pain.
4. This current bizarre stage of life - because even though I wonder sometimes how long I will feel like I'm in transition (maybe all of life is just that...), I have experienced grace and a deeper faith because of it.
5. Baby Caleb, who even in his mother's womb has already reminded me several times of the faithfulness that God promises. I am overwhelmed with joy as I hope for the day I get to meet him.
6. Sounds and smells of Thanksgiving Day, that my wonderful hostess of a Mama allows to flow through the halls and rooms of her house each year - rejoicing, weeping, fighting, laughing - scents of home-cooked foods and apple pies, as the women rush around preparing dishes while my dad bravely carves the turkey.
7. Late nights and a job that gives me holiday breaks so that I can enjoy them. Sometimes my favorite conversations occur over a simple card game, a dr. pepper and you've got mail (usually beginning at midnight) with one of my favorite people.
8. Coffee. There is something so soothing about holding a warm mug and letting yourself ease into the day while sitting at a familiar kitchen table, with the people you love most.
9. Dancing, with my sisters, cousins, their kids or friends, to Taylor Swift's new album and loving the freedom to laugh and enjoy each other.
10. Beauty - whether it's in people, things, nature, actions, voices, or sights, it reminds me that the God of The Universe sees me. He fought a battle for me once before and he will again. Beauty gives me hope that there is something so much greater to look forward to.

So even though Thanksgiving has passed, don't forget the things you had reminded yourself  to be thankful for. Don't forget the many reasons you have to celebrate. And when you do forget, or when the fluorescent lights in your office or school are blocking the memory, step outside, close your eyes and stand in the sunshine. Then slowly allow yourself to sink back in to the mindset that you don't deserve even this moment, but you've been given a gift.
And then, remind yourself to be thankful.